You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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