dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
