things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
