At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
