When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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