My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
