Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
