apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
