Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
be right there i have to get my cape
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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