I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
