i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
