you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
im on a boat
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