Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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