How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
its liver damage thursday
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
