All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
