Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
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note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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