I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
