We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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