Pregnant stripper...not hot.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
