I just saw a hot homeless man
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
