Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
