Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
