I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
