I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
