My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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