I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
