he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
