I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
