Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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