if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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