she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The uberlube is also flammable
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
