if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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