Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
