dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
