got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
