I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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