All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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