all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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