Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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