the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So vagazzling was a success
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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