my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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