I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize