i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
