I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
