Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
