wanna go halves on a baby?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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