the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
