WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
