batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
