why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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