I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
