He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
