good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
