theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You can't special order awesome
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
