His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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