I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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